Dearest Priyanka Chopra,I respect you as an actress. You take your craft seriously and yet you have fun with it. Ever since you won the battle between yourself and Lara Dutta with the masterly Aitraaz, you earned your place as a serious actress and each of your performances after that made sure you kept that place.
So what, in God's name, are you doing in Drona? You already did the superhero gig before in Krrish and you were the best thing about that production, too (fortunately for you, Jadoo was mysteriously missing otherwise he would have upstaged you--no offense). What inspired you to sign your soul away to this Goldie Behl-directed mess? Come on, Piggy Chops, this is kind of role made for lesser heroines like the aforementioned Lara or Isha Koppikar (oh, yeah, Isha was probs busy with her Rajshri film--what's that about?). Was it the chance to flex your muscles and fight some villains again after Don and after being snubbed of such glory in Krrish? If that was the case, then I forgive you. No other actress in our generation is an action heroine (well, except for the Shilpsters--omg, you two should do an action movie together!)
You should have known that Drona would be a lame pile of...bhegan ka bhartha when you saw Abhishek Bachchan as the lead character. Abhishek, who looks no more like a superhero than Turtle, is a flop of an actor. Okay, I had my days where I thought he was the cat's meow. But those were the Golden Age of Abhishek, c. 2004-2006 (KANK, Bluffmaster, Kuch Naa Kaho, Guru, Sarkar, Dhoom series). But after this time period, Baby Bachchan just became a loser. I can't point out just how I suddenly started hating him. I know JBJ was a factor...maybe it was when he married Ash? Yes, that's it. Believe me, 'Yankers, I'm not jealous. I'm just annoyed that he could dare marry someone so far above his level of attractiveness. Clearly, Ash needs to be with someone with an equal amount of sex appeal (coughhrithikroshancoughcough). Seeing you (looks and talent) with him (no looks, no talent), my dear Ms. Chopra, is like seeing Patrick Wilson with...with...well, anyone since he is on a different plane altogether.
I can tell you, sugar cakes, that whenever you were not onscreen, I was B-O-R-E-D out of my mind! The story was just not engaging. The story of a neglected and taunted orphan finding out that he is, indeed, part of something greater than his yesterday seems a little Rowlingish...and a little like every story written in the history of orphanic literature. What makes the Harry Potter series different is that it has enough of a personality to support its cliches and enough originality to keep it running for seven novels and eight films. Drona has none of that, however.
Okay, forget the orphan part of the movie. Even the main plot is dry and uninspired. Aditya, played superbly awful by Baby Bachchan, has to find the immortal nectar before magician/demon Riz Raizada does. Raizada is played by KK Menon, an actor I used to respect before I realized that he is just as attention-grabbing as Abhishek. Everything about his performance is "look-at-me" which is an acting crime you don't commit, Priyanka, I swear to you.
Even when Jaya Bachchan is onscreen, in a cameo as Aditya's real mother, I longed for your prescence. Though it's always nice to see Mrs. B in a film, sometimes I wish she had retired way back in 2003 after her glorious turn as Jenny in KHNH. One thing I didn't understand is Jaya plays a queen but of what? Of India? Narnia? Also, the scene where she is turned to stone is actually funny because she watches the grey smoke stuff coming toward her from Riz Raizada but doesn't move. Also is funny how Aditya insta-grows affection for his mother after knowing her for all of two hours. Looove it! While you can pull off McDonalds style love (fast), and you do in this film, the Bachchans are not so lucky.
Now, I know that you had nothing to do with this music. But I have to tell you: the music is just awful. Barring Oop Oop Cha, which at least has an interesting beat and video, the other songs are such snooze-fests! The love song, for which I imagined a very-stylized video, shows the two of you riding on a horse. Romantic. And that song, which is kind of nice but a little boring, is cut to just the chorus. But all the other songs are played in full and they go on and on and on and on!
If I had to pick some positives for Drona, it'd have to be costumes (specifically yours) and your fights. You are a such a rock star, Piggy Chops, I hate to see you wasting away in thankless roles like this. You deserve better than a movie where the best song is called Oop Oop Cha. Drona, my chicken dumpling, gets a 3.5/10 and all three and a half of those points go to you.
Oh, God, tussi great ho, Priyanka Chopra. Pick films that deserve to have you in their cast.
Much love and support,
Manish M. Mathur
