My Top 5 Favorite Actors

Part 2 of my series My Top 5 Favorite Things (part 1 is below)

My Top 5 Favorite Actors

1. Hrithik Roshan - The New Favorite

I used to really dislike Hrithik Roshan (I shudder to remember Koi Mil Gaya, Krrish and Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage). But recently, he's really impressed me. Dhoom 2, Jodhaa Akbar, Luck By Chance contain great acting jobs by him. If you look back to Lakshya, Mujhse Dosti Karoge and Mission Kashmir, he's really impressive. Plus, he's like the best dancer in Bollywood. "Dhoom Again" is just a masterpiece of dancing ability. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Robert Downey Jr. 

2. John Abraham - The Criminally Underrated Favorite

No Smoking, Jism, New York, Dhoom, Water, Garam Masala - all excellent films. So why isn't John Abraham given the credit he deserves? It just might be because he's too good looking for people to take seriously. No, really, when people think of him they think of his Salman Khan-style shirtless appearances not the fact that John is talented. He also chooses some avant-garde scripts (No Smoking has got to be one the most original movies ever) so maybe that's why. Not enough people are seeing his best work. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Brad Pitt

3. Saif Ali Khan - The "Oh, yeah... he is pretty awesome" Favorite

From 1999 until now, Saif Ali Khan has turned into a powerhouse of talent. But it wasn't until recently that I realized just how re-watchable his movies are. Dil Chahta Hai, Kal Ho Naa Ho, Parineeta, Omkara, Race, Tashan, Salaam Namaste are movies that I just feel like watching sometimes and part of that is Saif Ali Khan's natural and effortless talent. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Paul Rudd

4. Abhishek Bachchan - The Continually Surprising Favorite

Every time I watch an Abhishek movie, I am prepared to hate him in it. And that's not just because she stole my bride away from me. But he always wins me over. I mean, there are some bad films where he is actually really terrible, but there are some times when he just nails a character and when he does, it is movie magic. Delhi-6, Dostana, KANK, Guru, Yuva, Sarkar Raj, Bluffmaster are all examples of this man's acting potential. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Russell Crowe

5. Ranbir Kapoor - The Boy Next Door Favorite

With only a few films, Ranbir Kapoor has proven himself to be a fine actor who achieves that status by playing a sort of everyman. He is extremely easy to relate to and comes off so very naturally onscreen. But he is so very good in his films. I feel like he is my best friend in every single one of his films and that is why he in on this list. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (of "3rd Rock from the Sun" and "(500) Days of Summer" fame)

Again, feel free to leave your own favorites and/or comment on mine in the comments section. 

Look out for part 3 coming very soon.

My Top 5 Favorite Actresses

I read this book High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. It's about the life and loves of a London record shop owner. It's a hilarious and insightful novel which I would recommend to all. In the book, the main character Rob and his two friends were obsessed with making lists of their top five favorite movies, books, actors, records, etc. 

I have since adopted this habit and have been obsessively compiling lists of my favorite things. It's a strangely addictive habit and if you look through my Philosophy notes, you'll see lists and lists of things with rejected entries scratched out and replaced. 

So, I've decided to share with you my top five favorite actresses, actors, and films in that order. So here we go! 

1. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - The Forever Favorite

I don't even remember when I started loving her... Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam maybe? One thing is for sure. I will always love Ash and everything she does no matter how awful (Mistress of Spices). Luckily for me, more often than not her films are excellent. Jodhaa Akbar, Devdas, HDDCS, Taal, Bride&Prej, Dhoom 2, Guru, Chokher Bali, Raincoat and even The Film That Failed Her Immensely Umrao Jaan. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Jennifer Garner (without the major butt-kicking awesomeness) 

2. Kareena Kapoor - The Black Sheep Favorite

Everyone hates Kareena Kapoor. But that's only one of the reasons why I think she's the cat's meow. I fell for her when I saw Chameli, which proved to me she could do a non-glam role. Years later, I read Othello again and re-watched Omkara. While everyone in that film is excellent, Kareena (as Dolly) absolutely NAILED the Desdemona role. I mean, she played Desdemona exactly as I had read her (naive but mysterious enough that you wonder if her innocence is an act). And that's when I realized that Kareena is an actress, not just a star. Then Jab We Met came out and I was floored. I don't even want to start on how brilliant Kareenz is in that movie because it will take forever. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Keira Knightley

3. Konkona Sensharma - The Art House Favorite

Konkona Sensharma is a good actress in that she is wonderful in every movie she does. Page 3, Omkara, Luck By Chance, Life in a Metro, Wake Up Sid!, the list goes on and on. And she is a dark horse candidate for the most beautiful Bollywood actress. If you don't love Konkona after Aaja Nachle, then I don't know what to tell you. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Kate Winslet

4. Priyanka Chopra - The "Everyone's Favorite" Favorite

I honestly cannot think of a person who doesn't love Priyanka Chopra. She's just so warm and pretty and friendly. And she is a good actress (What's Your Raashee?, Aitraaz, Fashion) with the right directors. There's something so inviting and charming about her that you don't even mind watching her bad movies (Krrish, Drona). 

Hollywood Counterpart: Penelope Cruz

5. Katrina Kaif - The Criminally Underrated Favorite

When I tell people that I love Katrina Kaif, they usually give me a look that means "you only like her because she's beautiful". Hello, I am not that shallow! Fine, Katrina's acting in her earlier work (Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya, Welcome, Humko Deewana Kar Gaye) is pretty bad. But she's grown. New York, Namastey London, Singh is Kinng - she does some solid work in these films. And she has potential to become as good as the other four in my list. With the right directors and characters, she can do wonders. 

Hollywood Counterpart: Scarlett Johansson 

So that's my list. Feel free to leave your top 5 in the comments sections as well as thoughts on mine. Happy Halloween!

10 Reasons to Skip "Blue", 5 to Watch It

Blue, directed Anthony d'Souza

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Sanjay Dutt, Zayed Khan, Rahul Dev and Lara Dutta with Katrina Kaif and Australian pop superstar Kylie Minogue in special appearances

Genre: Underwater action thriller (supposedly)

My rating: 5/10.

Aarav (Kumar) and Sagar (Sanjay Dutt) are 2 friends living in the Bahamas. With help from Sagar's brother Sam (Khan) and girlfriend Mona (Dutta) they go underwater to find some buried treasure in order to pay off a don (Dev). 

Top 10 Reasons to Skip Blue

1. It is horribly written. The dialogues alone are just atrocious and the film's situations are hardly believable even within the film's larger-than-life context.

2. There are only a few scenes underwater which is very disappointing, considering the underwater angle is probably what is selling the tickets. And Lara Dutta's cleavage, of course. 

3. I'm embarrassed that Kylie Minogue had to act in a scene so shamelessly stolen from Hitch (the part where Hitch hits on a girl by telling her his drink order). It's offensive because I'm sure she' s seen Hitch and I wonder what she thought of doing that scene. 

4. No one in the cast can act. A normally solid actor like Akshay Kumar seems just awful in a "why did we ever think he was cool?" sort of way. 

5. Katrina Kaif. I love her but she looks terrible with her lip ring and dreadlocks. It takes a lot for Katrina Kaif to look bad (she's so gorgeous normally) so when it does happen, like in this movie, it's jarring. And her character only has 10 minutes of screen time in the first half. Luckily, her part is so insignificant that she remains unhurt by any of this. SPOILER ALERT: She comes back in the end (and looks better, thank God). 

6. There are two (TWO!) motorbike chase sequences and both of them are unnecessary. The second one is like 20 minutes long. I went to the bathroom during it and guess what was still going on when I came back? 

7. The main hit song is called "Chiggy Wiggy". That's a deal-breaker, ladies!

8. The climax and post-climax are unraveled in a rushed way, leaving no time to breathe and process the twists. Normally, this is a good thing. But in this film, I got the feeling that the director rushed the events in an attempt to hide the plot holes and silliness. 

9. In the beginning, Sanjay Dutt and Akshay Kumar are worried that a shark got into their fishnet and will eat the fish. Then the wind blows Sanjay Dutt's hat into the water. They both decide to jump in the water, fight the shark away from the fish and get the hat. They succeed. Yeah, this is that kind of movie. 

10. Did I mention that Lara Dutta is the main female lead? She doesn't do anything to help anyone even though Mona could have been a capable character. For instance, in the climax, she calls the Coast Guard and says "May Day, May Day! Come in Coast Guard... humein madhat ki zaroorat hai!" (as if the Coast Guard knows Hindi). They tell her that there is a hurricane coming. So instead of steering the ship to safety (she is shown driving the boat earlier) she runs to tell the guys. I was like LARA DO SOMETHING! 

It's funny because when Lara Dutta and Priyanka Chopra both debuted in Andaaz back in 2003, I guessed that Lara Dutta would become the better actress. 6 years later, I love and worship Priyanka and the sight of Lara Dutta on a poster makes me roll my eyes! 

Okay, now the Top 5 Reasons to Watch Blue

1. The music. A.R. Rahman's wonderful and eclectic score doesn't exactly get the treatment I would have given it. But, considering action thrillers don't exactly require songs, I was happy with what I was given. "Rehnuma" is the best song and it is used very effectively in the opening credits showing some beautiful underwater life. Same goes for the "Blue Theme" which shows the 4 leads swimming with the fish. "Chiggy Wiggy" is just awful but none of the blame should go to Kylie Minogue who is awesome. 

2. The few underwater scenes are expertly done. They are, in fact, the highlight of the movie (especially "Blue Theme" and "Rehnuma".)

3. It's short (1 hour, 55 minutes) so watching it isn't exactly a waste of time. 

4. If you like Lara Dutta only for her looks and her body (it's okay, you're not alone... she's so popular only for those reasons) then see this movie. As much as I hate her, she looks beautiful in a "I'm a tramp who's still monogamous so it's okay that I prance around in almost nothing" sort of way. 

5. Zayed Khan's awkward post-"Chiggy Wiggy" singing. He's walking out of the club and he's humming the song. It's just so awkward and hilarious, which is Zayed Khan's trademark really. God, that guy is the freakin' mayor of Awk-town!

So basically I am neither encouraging you to see Blue nor am I discouraging you. Again, I rate it 5/10.

Scorpio Cancer Aries Capricorn

Imagine a world where your biggest problem is deciding which Priyanka Chopra clone you should marry. 

It is this world in which director Ashutosh Gowariker's romantic-comedy asks you to spend three-and-a-half hours. What's Your Raashee? is a film that works in parts but the parts that don't work are just full of glaring flaws. Starring Harman Baweja, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra and Priyanka Chopra, "Raashee" has music by newcomer  Sohail Sen. So, what's the plot-shee? 

Yogesh (Baweja) is a student in Chicago who works very hard. He is the favorite of his grandfather who decides that Yogesh will inherit all of his wealth on the day of his marriage. Upon hearing this, Yogesh's family tricks him into coming back to India to get married so that they can use the money to pay off Yogesh's brother's gambling debts. He has only ten days to get married (a deadline given by the don). Thus he is taken by a family friend to meet twelve different girls - each of a different Raashee or horoscope. The reason he does this is because since he does not have time to properly fall in love, he decides that he can figure out with which girl he can learn to love if they are humraashees. Thus begins the search for the perfect girl! 

By now we all know that each girl is played by Priyanka Chopra. Here is a list of the twelve characters, their featured song and a short review for each. They are in order of appearance:

Anjali - Aries (no song)

Priyanka's acting is superb here, providing Anjali with a whole different accent. It is funny and sweet and you kind of want Yogesh to marry her.

Sanjana - Aquarius (Jao Naa)

Sanjana is bland; this is the Priyanka we've seen many times before. She looks stunning but the only difference between Sanjana and PC's other roles is Sanjana's jungle fever. 

Kaajal - Gemini (Aaja Lehraate)

Kaajal is adorable and endearingly naive. Harman Baweja has great chemistry with this avatar but you know they're not meant to be. 

Hansa - Cancer (Bikhri Bikhri)

This is my personal favorite. Priyanka does amazing acting here, and she does it all with her eyes and body language. Yogesh represents a shimmer of hope for Hansa and I immediately decided that he has to marry her. He doesn't, the jerk. 

Rajni - Libra (Maanunga Maanunga)

This is the second dud. It could have been funny but the writing fails the cast. Priyanka looks great but we all know her to be too nice to effectively play the tough-as-nails character in such a short time. 

Chandrika - Pisces (Sau Janam)

By time you get to Chandrika, you have to go to the bathroom and your patience is being tested. While there are some good/funny moments, poor writing again gets in the way. The song goes on way too long also. Luckily, Chandrika is close enough to the intermission to solve that bathroom issue.

Mallika - Leo (Dhadkan Dhadkan)

This starts out as another bland role for Priyanka but the sequence is elevated by some unexpected comedy.

Nandini - Scorpio (Aa Le Chal)

If the Cancer segment had the best dramatic acting, then this is by far the funniest one. Priyanka gets to show off her inherent flair for comedy especially in the part where she... you know what, I won't spoil it. It is just that funny. 

Pooja - Virgo (Pyaari Pyaari)

The problem with the Virgo vignette is that it starts off very adorably, becomes romantic through the song and then just ends. Pooja, a doctor who wants to work in poor villages, declares that she won't move to the US (which honestly should have been cleared up prior to their meeting) and that's it. All of the chemistry just goes out the window.

Vishaka - Taurus (Su Chhe)

This one was just really frustrating. Vishaka is a rich heiress who pretends to be insane to test her suitors. Okay, fine, except that Yogesh rejects her for that reason and yet he never learns that the insanity was an act. Maybe they could have made it? Priyanka's acting and the wonderful "Su Chhe" video save this one. 

Bhavna - Sagittarius (Salone Kya)

I loved the concept of the Bhavna vignette. See, Bhavna, who strictly adheres to astrological signs, says that she needs to sleep with Yogesh now otherwise their marriage will fail within a year. So she tries to seduce him with the song (my favorite song, actually). Except that Ashutosh Gowariker was too afraid to get risque and instead gives a frustratingly tame sequence and musical number. Missed opportunity, Ashu!

Jhankana - Capricorn (Koi Jaane Na)

This one was just heartbreaking. Jhankana is a fifteen-year-old girl but her parents are trying to pass her off as 19. Understandably, Yogesh rejects her and tells her parents to let her continue her studies and enjoy her childhood. 

The big question is: Does Priyanka succeed in creating 12 different characters who are unique and identifiable as separate beings? The answer is a resounding YES! While some of the Raashees are better than others (the top four being Scorpio, Cancer, Aries and Capricorn, pictured in that order), all of the characters are fully realized women with different habits, dialects and personalities. Even the ones that leave a lot to be desired (Taurus, Pisces, Libra and Sagittarius being the four worst) are a treat to watch purely for the spectacle of seeing Priyanka fully embody multiple characters. 

Harman Baweja, on the other hand, just is not as good an actor. I applaud him for being secure enough to accept a role where the focus will always be on the heroine(s). He's charming and not painful. But he's not AMAZING either. 

The supporting cast is terrible. They're all from the 1970s and they just don't know how to act credibly or subtly. This movie belongs to Priyanka and Harman and they have no help from anyone else.

 

11 of the 12 Raashees have their own song and there are 2 versions of the title song. The songs are all awesome on CD. There is a lot of diversity and the choice of singers is very well-done. 

But, a little less than a third of the movie is song. Usually I'm never a fan of cutting songs in half for the movie (a common plight of Rahman songs) but for this movie it just seemed necessary. Some songs like "Aa Le Chal" and "Aaja Lehraate" are the right length (3 to 3.5 minutes). But some songs like "Sau Janam" and "Maanunga Maanunga" are way too long. The first half of "Sau Janam" takes place in real time and then the second half switches to a dream sequence (a parody of 90s love songs). They could have just kept the dream sequence and axed the real time portion. 

Poor editing choices run rampant in the movie. Extraneous sub-plots and unnecessary scenes are plentiful and this is what brings down what could have been a great movie. It's almost as if Ashu was so in love with the rough cut that he just couldn't part with any of it. His movies have always been long but this one just feels longer and harder to sit through. 

And, it takes them forever to get to the first Raashee. It's almost as if they know that we've come to see Priyanka so they held her off for as long as possible. 

So, should you see this movie? Well, yes. Why would you miss out on one of the finest displays of acting talent that I've ever seen? Just be prepared to sit through everything you don't want to see. It makes me sad that Priyanka Chopra (and to an extent, Harman Baweja) have to deal with all of the unnecessary parts of the film along with all of the wonderful parts. This is one to watch only for Priyanka Chopra and her awesomeness. What's Your Raashee? rates a 6.5/10. 

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I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Hidden somewhere under that glamorous persona was the fine dramatic actress that Katrina Kaif has proved herself to be in the political thriller, New York. Also starring John Abraham, Neil Nitin Mukesh and Irrfan (formerly Irfan Khan - don't ask me he changed the spelling of his name), New York is a sharp look at the effects of 9/11 on various South Asians living in the city at the time. NY is directed by Kabir Khan, who previously helmed Kabul Express, another gritty film about terrorism. 

Omar (NNM), Sam (Abraham) and Maya (Kaif) are three good friends living it up in college in New York. Then tragedy strikes on the eleventh of September and their lives, as well as the lives of every other person in the nation, are changed forever. 

The truth of the matter is, 9/11 had a huge effect on South Asians all over the country. So a movie detailing this was bound to come. NY raises some very important questions: what do you do when the very country you love so much turns its back on you simply because of your name and your religion?

The film offers many sequences that would be unbearable to watch under someone else's direction. Khan, however, shows us the reality of things without going into the shock-factor danger zone. Kabir Khan handles the entire film with the hands of a skilled director. Scenes at the college are frivolous, yes, but the framing device of the film saves it. The film opens mysteriously which then coats the happy scenes in the first half with dread. 

Irrfan as the FBI agent Roshan does what he does best. e can crack a joke and then deliver a dramatic monologue in the same scene. It's always a pleasure seeing him on the screen.

Neil Nitin Mukesh gives us more of what we saw in Johnny Gaddaar. If he sticks to these kinds of films, he will go far as a supreme dramatic actor. 

John Abraham has already proven himself as a fine actor (Jism, No Smoking, Kabul Express) and yet this proves to be his finest. The journey his character goes through is tough to watch (in a good way) and not one I've seen before. 

This brings me to the lovely and enchanting Katrina Kaif. I've always maintained that the actresses who are truly beautiful are the ones who still look amazing sans make-up (for example, Aishwarya, Kareena, Kirron Kher, Priyanka, Preity) and I'm adding Katrina Kaif to that list. This is Miss Kaif's first non-glam role and she is fabulous.

It is in my opinion that anyone can act well. They just need the right role. And this is that role for Katrina Kaif. Critics everywhere agree with me when I say that Katrina Kaif has shown immense growth as an actor. The complete 180 she does during the intermission is wonderful and this role will score her some nominations come awards season. 

I always knew she had it in her. I mean, call me bias, but Katrina Kaif always had electrifying screen presence even when she just played a mannequin in her earlier work.  She showed some growth in Namastey London but she wasn't quite there yet. Then, last year, she proved she could do comedy in Singh is Kinng, a role of hers I will defend to the grave (or pyre). I thought that Yuvvraaj would solidify her place in the industry but that proved to be just another mannequin (albeit one that could play the cello). New York not only opened the door for her but also pushed her through it. Now, hopefully, she will be taken seriously. And judging by the trailer of her next film, Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani with Ranbir Kapoor, she already has been. 

I'd like to talk about the trailer for this film. I personally think it is a well-made trailer. Here's why: it is both completely misleading and yet precisely what this film is about. That's the best way I can explain. All I can say is watch the movie and then watch the trailer afterwards and it'll make more sense. Hopefully. 

The music in this film fits the movie really well. None of the songs really go home with you. I would recommend you watch the remix videos for "Hai Junoon" and "Mere Sang". 

This movie will have some haters for sure. But these are the people who think that Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna condones infidelity or that Dostana is a copy of I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. New York is a well-made political thriller with strong performances and a smart screenplay. It is a definite must-see. NY rates an 8.5/10.

The Pot is Boiling!

Aa Dekhen Zara has everything I love about Indian potboilers. A hot cast. Catchy music. An original but ultimately outlandish concept. Foreign locales. Exciting fights. Thrilling twists. And an ending that throws you for a loop before becoming what you expected.

Directed by newcomer Jehangir Surti, ADZ stars Neil Nitin Mukesh (who, 1.5 years ago gave us the sublime Johnny Gaddaar), the always delightful Bipasha Basu, Rahul Dev and Sophie Chaudhary (whom you might recognize as Baby Doll Vol. 3 from Pyaar Ke Side/Effects). Most of the music is by Pritam but there is a remix of the song "Aa Dekhen Zara" which was remixed by Gaurav Dasgupta. The remix is sung by Neil Nitin Mukesh. More on that later.

Ray (NNM) is a struggling photogapher who just found out his grandfather, Dr. Joshi, has died. He has inherited an old camera from his grandfather, who was a famous inventor. Ray tries out the camera but when he develops the pictures, he realizes that the pictures aren't of what the subjects were doing when he took them but of what they're doing now 24 hours later. He realizes that this camera shows the future. He then uses the camera to win lotteries, horse races and at the stock markets. He becomes a changed man due to his wealth, much to the chagrin of girlfriend Simi (Bipasha Basu). When he develops a picture that was taken of himself, it is blank which, according to the film's mythology, means that he will die. Add to that, the Captain (Rahul Dev) is after the camera and will stop at nothing to get it. How Ray and Simi evade the Captain as well as try to figure out how to change Ray's fate forms the crux of this thriller.

Like, okay, you know and I know that ADZ is not the best picture ever (Dostana, you are safe, don't worry). But if you can enjoy it for what it's worth, then you are in for a fun ride. Like most desi potboilers, this one moves at too quick a pace for you to notice the plot-holes. It's a fun, escapist thriller. For what else can you ask the Film Gods?

Let's be real here: this is a movie about a camera that can tell the future... You know that it's not going to be grounded in reality.

Neil Nitin Mukesh is not given as complex a character as Vikrum in JohnnyG. But he performs well. He also is not as hot as he was in JohnnyG but he looks good enough. One of the many things I like about him is that he always looks composed. Only once does he actually have a breakdown but it's understandable since he just found out that he's going to die. So this movie may not be the best choice for his career but I can see how this role was attractive to him.

Oh, Bipasha...Yo puedo mirarte en cualquier pelicula. I can watch you in any movie (except for Footpath). I like Bipasha because she always plays independent, ambitious and urban career girls. Sure, you have a boyfriend but you don't need him to survive. Like Ray, Simi is not the most well-written character. But Bipasha makes her fun. Did I mention these have a great chemistry?

Rahul Dev leads the supporting cast and he performs well. Everyone else fits their part. God, I wish there were more of Sophie Chaudhary. She was perfect in PKS/E and there was a small trace of that same charm here. But she was grossly underused.

The best thing about the movie is its music. Aside from the god-awful "Paisa is Power" track, every song is a hit. "Rock the Party" is a mellow dance track that's perfect for just hanging out to some cool beats. "Gazab" is the movie potential chartbuster and the video, though it literally comes out of nowhere, is a winner with some campy choreography, interesting costumes and a stellar performance by Shaan and Sunidhi Chauhan. The "Aa Dekhen Zara" remix is okay but NNM's singing is above average. But the crowning jewel of the album is "Mohabbat Aapse." An Indo-pop love song, this one has interesting music, great lyrics and a stellar rendition by Akruti Kakkar. Don't worry, I'm not too sure who she is either. Download "Mohabbat Aapse" and "Gazab" for sure.

Is this a perfect movie? Of course not! I paid $5 for my ticket and I felt like I got more than my money's worth. Hot faces, fun music, solid thrills. Isn't that precisely what potboilers are all about? Aa Dekhen Zara rates a 7/10. Enjoyable!

Chandni Choke Me to Death

Generally, when I sit down to watch a film, Hindi or otherwise, I expect it to be a little illogical. That's because I think directors have to manipulate reality a little in order for their plot to work. I mean, they're writing a script, they're creating a world--they can make up the rules.

But sometimes in a movie, again Hindi or otherwise, the absence of logic is far more than just some logistical problems. Sometimes a movie is just a bunch of random sequences that make sense when it comes to the plot--but that don't make sense when it comes to how the world works.

And I'm not talking just about conincidental meetings of characters. No, no, this is when a director manipulates reality so much that the film seems to not take place in a world imitating our own, but in a world purely concocted by the director. But wants to be seen as imitating our world.

So, welcome to the world of Chandni Chowk to China or CC2C, the third directorial venture of Nikhil Adwani who struck gold in the glorious Kal Ho Naa Ho and the tribute to Bollywood Salaam-e-Ishq. Starring Akshay Kumar, Deepika Padukone, Ranvir Shorey, Mithun Chakraborthy, Roger Yuan and Gordon Liu, the movie has stellar music by Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy, Bappi Lahiri and Kailash Kher.

Sidhu (Kumar) is a street-chef in Chandni Chowk who dreams of becoming bigger than he is. His Dada (Chakraborthy) provides him with mundane advice and a kick to the butt that sends him flying across the city. Chopstick (Shorey) tries to tell him he's the reincarnate of an ancient Chinese warrior Liu Sheng. This fact is confirmed when he finds the face of Ganesha in a potato. Some Chinese men come to find Sidhu when they need him to kill their tyrannical boss Hojo (Liu) or something. Chopstick leaves that fact out during translation and Sidhu goes to China thinking he'll be treated like a rock-star. On the way he meets Sakhi (Padukone 1), a spokesmodel for new technological toys who is searching for her long lost twin sister Suzy (Padukone 2) who is a henchwoman for Hojo. Suzy goes by the name Meow-Meow. Also thrown ino the mix is the twins' father (Yuan) who was supposedly killed by Hojo. Can Sidhu eventually vanquish Hojo? Will Sakhi find her family?

Going into this movie, we know that the answers to both those questions is YES. Action-comedies, Hindi or otherwise, generally don't have sad endings though I did find myself rooting for Hojo to kill Sidhu so that I didn't have to myself. Okay, we know the ending but someone said that cinema isn't about the ending but the process through which the characters get to the ending. Unfortunately, this middle of this movie is a process. I mean it takes forever for people to realize that Suzy and Sakhi are two different girls, for Sakhi to find her father and for her father to train Sidhu. Although there is a nicely edited scene where the twins and their father keep missing each other and it is quite funny to see the police going after the wrong twin, Akshay calling Meow-Meow a crook (earlier Sakhi stole his place in line for a Chinese visa or something). The fact that Suzy and Sakhi have two different hair, clothing and makeup styles is lost on everyone else. Twin comedy is usually pretty funny. There are two funny scenes and this is one of them.

The other happens not too much later. In the village that Sidhu is supposed to save, they just have had a drunken celebration. So he goes to sleep and finds Sakhi in his bed. Still mad at her after the visa incident, he locks her in a closet. In comes Suzy, ready to seduce and kill Sidhu Poison Ivy style (plastic lips covered in poison). She dances to some seductive Bollywood hits ("Hothon mein aisi baat," "Zara zara, touch me" among others). He calls Chopstick and Chopstick falls in love with Suzy and the song switches to "Churaake dil mera, goriya chali" which happens to be one of my favorite Akshay Kumar hits. In a strong bout of meta-fiction, Kumar says "this is my hit!" and proceeds to dance to it. It's inspired, self-referential and the kind of comedy at which Adwani excels. Why he felt he had to do a kung fu action comedy I'll never know.

Other than those two sequences, the comedy falls flat. And this largely due to the horrendously bad performance by Akshay Kumar. He usually is a comedic genius but in CC2C he just misses the mark. He overdoes everything! It's as if he is pathetically trying to win our affections by jumping up and down and yelling, "Look at me! I'm funny!" And he does this banshee-style wailing where his voice cracks and it goes on for fifteen seconds. This is his catchphrase and it makes me want to find the closest noose.

Ranvir Shorey, another good comedic actor, is reduced to a tired "angel/devil over my shoulder" gimmick and racist costume. He isn't given any good material and his characterization is under-written.

Mithun Chakraborthy, when not giving mundane advice, is shown kicking Sidhu on the butt and sending him clear across Delhi. And then shows up where Sidhu lands. What?!

The Chinese actors are really just caricatures. Roger Yuan plays Hojo as a parody of Oddjob from Goldfinger. Gordon Liu is your typical kung fu master/teacher.

Deepika Padukone is surprisingly good as the Suzy and Sakhi. She plays both of them very differently. Suzy is cold, exacting, unfeeling. Sakhi is sweet, charming, and beautiful. Nikhil Adwani gives Deepika some good material to flex her comedic musicle.

The music is highly enjoyable on CD but here the songs just slow down the proceedings. The songs all have unoriginal, standard videos. The most fun one is the title song. "Tere Naina" is the best song but the presposterous setup undermines its beauty. Not SEL's best work.

This movie is a complete waste of time, talent and Teepika...Deepika. Nikhil Adwani--please stick to family dramedies! Chandni Chowk to China rates a 3/10.